TODO SOBRE MI

I was your classic overachiever. A competitive equestrian & tennis player, went to a great University, became a work obsessed Manhattanite, worked 18 hr. days in Chief of Staff & Strategy capacities for UHNWIs, climbed the corporate ladder at a rapid pace until I broke down, physically, mentally & emotionally. So what did I do? I dropped everything, went to the jungle to go inward, surf & connect to nature for what I thought would be a month, but turned into an 18 month adventure. 

 

In addition to working like a total looney tune, I always studied the arts of intimacy & shamanism like a looney tune. If I wasn’t at the office...who am I kidding? Even when I was at the office, I was studying the Zohar, Tao Te Ching, Bhagavad Gita, the Yoga Sutras, Hermeticism, acquiring certification after certification, to the point where one of my teachers actually said to me “Julie, you study like a rabbinical man, you of all people don’t need to study like this in this lifetime, all of it already lives within you.” But I was constantly in a state of doing & achieving.  I had no idea how to be, I had no idea how to rest, & I had no idea how to enjoy something without a purpose or goal associated with it. I was a Human Doing operating in a toxically masculine frame & was too afraid to step into who I was as a whole, perfectly imperfect Human Being.  

 

But so often, where our pain resides our purpose lies, & for me, that is certainly the case. My need to do & achieve was rooted in fear. The fear of being seen for who I am, the fear of not being good enough as I am, & the fear of not being worthy of receiving love for who I am had plagued me since as early as I can remember. I was never safe in my childhood home, I had never felt safe in my physical body as a result, nor had I ever felt safe in the world around me. I lived in a continuous state of fear - doing, healing & seeking physical & emotional safety. 

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Yet the irony is that I was already whole, just as nature is whole, & I am nature. What in nature stays wounded?  Nothing. Nothing in nature stays wounded. What I've realized is that so much of the journey isn't actually about healing our wounds, but moving beyond the consciousness of our wounds, which is far more rigorous than healing the wound itself. Because at the end of the day, we are the stories we tell ourselves.